Resolutions

It’s New Years Eve.  I have no idea if that’s all supposed to be capitalized, but I’m going to do so just because everyone does.

I’m sitting at home watching the 4th Shrek movie with my 8 year old cousin.  My mom is in her room playing on her laptop, the same thing she does every night.  My best friend M is out with her boyfriend, M, and my other best friend, T, is out with his friends drinking and having a glorious time.  And I’m happy for them!  I wish I was with them.

But I’m glad I’m home, because I’ve realized something tonight.  I can’t do anything right for anyone.  I try so hard, and every decision I make only makes things worse.

This has made me realize that I need to start doing things for myself.  I always focus on my mom and sister, and then worry about myself later.  I’m not happy at home, I’m not happy in this town, and I’m not really happy at the school I’m at.  I have 5 resolutions this year to fix this problem.

1.  I’m Going To Make Myself Happy and Actually Do Things

Unless it’s going to hurt someone else or myself, if I want to do it, I’m going to do it.  I missed out on a lot in high school because I had to help my mom at home because my dad wasn’t home.  I’m ok with that, really, but I’ve carried this attitude into adulthood.  I never do anything without asking permission from my mom (I’m almost 22!!) because I don’t want a conflict with someone else. From this point on, oh well.  I’m going to actually live my life.

2. I’m Going To Speak Up

Anyone who knows me knows I don’t speak my mind.  If someone hurts my feelings, I ignore it them and cry about it later.  I don’t stick up for myself, and I have to change it.  I’m actually getting better at this, but I still have too many nights that involve me sitting in my room alone, thinking about what someone has done or said.  I’m going to tell them that I’m hurt, that I do have feelings, and that I am a person and I matter.

3. I’m Going To Be More Outgoing

I don’t have many friends.  I have two really awesome great ones who I can always talk to, no matter what, but other than that I only have acquaintances.  I’ve never had a boyfriend, and I know it shouldn’t, but that really bothers me.  I’m going to put myself out there more, to find both friends and maybe more.  I know this means I’m more likely to get hurt, but I’ve been through it before.  I’ve decided I’m going to an internship this summer in Oklahoma.  It’s nine weeks away from home, working with kids through the Methodist church.  I hope this will bring me out of my shell, and it also brings me to my next resolution:

4. I’m Going To Try to Get Closer to God

I’m a Christian, but I don’t always act like it.  I know this, and I’m not proud of it.  I hardly ever read my Bible, and I dread going to church.  It’s just that I struggle with many of the church’s rules and teachings, things like opposing gay marriage and the hypocrisy of many of the Christians I know, including members of my own family.  I am lucky enough to be part of the Methodist church, which I feel is very open minded and accepting, but it’s still oppressive in many areas.  I guess that I am more spiritual than religious, if that’s right.  I really don’t know.  Anyways, my resolution is to read my Bible daily, pray daily, and be more trusting of the God I do believe in.

5. I’m Going To Take Better Care of Myself

I need to lose weight.  I need to be in much better shape for my age and height.  Sometimes I look in the mirror and I’m disgusted with my appearance.  Earlier this year I was diagnosed with an under-active thyroid, and I’m going to be on medication for the rest of my life.  The medication had helped me lose a little bit of weight, but not much.  This is my promise to myself: I will eat more salads, spend an extra 30 minutes at the gym, and only get the small order of fries from Wendy’s (that one’s going to be hard).

 

I’m really bad at keeping my resolutions, but I feel that these are basic things that the majority of us need to do.  Maybe once I get these down, I will feel much better about my life.

I’m wishing all of you a blessed 2011, and amazing luck with your own resolutions!

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